How do YOU define yourself? How do we define ourselves?
Are we someone's girlfriend, boyfriend, wife, husband, mother... and so on? Can we define ourselves other than being attached to someone else? Could we be something else but someone's extension?
"I am nothing without her..."
Or it could be "without him".
Could we possibly be nothing?! Definitely not. Then why is it that people feel torn apart, reduced to nothingness when they are being left? Why do they feel empty after the one they entrusted their heart to, left and forgot to return to sender that broken heart?
The answer is to be found individually, but there is a common denominator in all these situations - attachment issues.
What is an attachment disorder and what are the symptoms?
Difficulties to form secure relationships as an adult have strong echoes in childhood and this is in most cases a sign of attachment issues. A child with insecure parent/parents will carry the insecurity in his/her future relationships. An adult who feels insecure with the partner or feels rejected by others, will develop a tendency to reject others and if in a relationship to reject the partner or on the other end of the spectrum become clingy.
Attachment issues are often transmitted generationally. As a parent, an insecurely attached adult may lack the ability to form a strong attachment to their child and provide the necessary attachment cues required for the healthy emotional development of the child thereby predisposing their child to a lifetime of relationship difficulties.
It will then turn into a behaviour that could be separated by symptoms in these categories; Avoidant and Anxious.
How to recognize an attachment disorder? At least half of the symptoms should be present in someone's behaviour to be able to fit that person into one of the attachment styles that are causing distress and dysfunctional relationships.
AVOIDANT
Intense anger and loss
Hostile
Critical of others
Sensitive to blame
Lack of empathy
Views others as untrustworthy
Views others as undependable
Views self as unlovable or "too good" for others
Relationships feel either threatening to one's sense of control, not worth the effort, or both
Compulsive self-reliance
Passive withdrawal
Low levels of perceived support
Difficulty getting along with co-workers, often preferring to work alone
Work may provide a good excuse to avoid personal relations
Fear of closeness in relationships
Avoidance of intimacy
Unlikely to idealize the love relationship
Tendency toward depression (self critical)
ANXIOUS
Compulsive Care giving
Feel over-involved and under-appreciated
Rapid relationship breakups
Idealizing of others
Strong desire for partner to reciprocate in relationship
Desire for extensive contact and declarations of affections
Over-invests his/her emotions in a relationship
Perceives relationships as imbalanced
Relationship is idealized
Preoccupation with relationship
Dependence on relationship
Heavy reliance on partner
Views partner as desirable but unpredictable (sometimes available, sometimes not)
Perceives others as difficult to understand
Relationship is primary method by which one can experience a sense of security
Unlikely to view others as altruistic
Sensitive to rejection
Discomfort with anger
Extreme emotions
Jealous
Possessive
Views self as unlovable
Suicide attempts
Mood swings
Tendency toward analytic depression (dependent depression)
There is another category where people with some sort of trauma have developed a different attachment which could be a mix of the previous two. It is called Fearful-Avoidant.
They tend to want relationships but are at the same time quite fearful of them because people in their pasts have been both nurturing and abusive. They are more reactive to disruptions to the connection, real or imagined, and can protest dramatically. They may alternate between withdrawal and anxious rumination.
Do you recognize yourself in one of these categories? Are you so afraid of being abandoned that you accept more than you could possibly think? Are you panicking at the thought of being alone? Is your heart racing at the thought of being rejected?
Help yourself by making an appointment and let's start talking about it. Then we can plan for a strategy on how to get rid of negative feelings like this.
Are we someone's girlfriend, boyfriend, wife, husband, mother... and so on? Can we define ourselves other than being attached to someone else? Could we be something else but someone's extension?
"I am nothing without her..."
Or it could be "without him".
Could we possibly be nothing?! Definitely not. Then why is it that people feel torn apart, reduced to nothingness when they are being left? Why do they feel empty after the one they entrusted their heart to, left and forgot to return to sender that broken heart?
The answer is to be found individually, but there is a common denominator in all these situations - attachment issues.
What is an attachment disorder and what are the symptoms?
Difficulties to form secure relationships as an adult have strong echoes in childhood and this is in most cases a sign of attachment issues. A child with insecure parent/parents will carry the insecurity in his/her future relationships. An adult who feels insecure with the partner or feels rejected by others, will develop a tendency to reject others and if in a relationship to reject the partner or on the other end of the spectrum become clingy.
Attachment issues are often transmitted generationally. As a parent, an insecurely attached adult may lack the ability to form a strong attachment to their child and provide the necessary attachment cues required for the healthy emotional development of the child thereby predisposing their child to a lifetime of relationship difficulties.
It will then turn into a behaviour that could be separated by symptoms in these categories; Avoidant and Anxious.
How to recognize an attachment disorder? At least half of the symptoms should be present in someone's behaviour to be able to fit that person into one of the attachment styles that are causing distress and dysfunctional relationships.
AVOIDANT
Intense anger and loss
Hostile
Critical of others
Sensitive to blame
Lack of empathy
Views others as untrustworthy
Views others as undependable
Views self as unlovable or "too good" for others
Relationships feel either threatening to one's sense of control, not worth the effort, or both
Compulsive self-reliance
Passive withdrawal
Low levels of perceived support
Difficulty getting along with co-workers, often preferring to work alone
Work may provide a good excuse to avoid personal relations
Fear of closeness in relationships
Avoidance of intimacy
Unlikely to idealize the love relationship
Tendency toward depression (self critical)
ANXIOUS
Compulsive Care giving
Feel over-involved and under-appreciated
Rapid relationship breakups
Idealizing of others
Strong desire for partner to reciprocate in relationship
Desire for extensive contact and declarations of affections
Over-invests his/her emotions in a relationship
Perceives relationships as imbalanced
Relationship is idealized
Preoccupation with relationship
Dependence on relationship
Heavy reliance on partner
Views partner as desirable but unpredictable (sometimes available, sometimes not)
Perceives others as difficult to understand
Relationship is primary method by which one can experience a sense of security
Unlikely to view others as altruistic
Sensitive to rejection
Discomfort with anger
Extreme emotions
Jealous
Possessive
Views self as unlovable
Suicide attempts
Mood swings
Tendency toward analytic depression (dependent depression)
There is another category where people with some sort of trauma have developed a different attachment which could be a mix of the previous two. It is called Fearful-Avoidant.
They tend to want relationships but are at the same time quite fearful of them because people in their pasts have been both nurturing and abusive. They are more reactive to disruptions to the connection, real or imagined, and can protest dramatically. They may alternate between withdrawal and anxious rumination.
Do you recognize yourself in one of these categories? Are you so afraid of being abandoned that you accept more than you could possibly think? Are you panicking at the thought of being alone? Is your heart racing at the thought of being rejected?
Help yourself by making an appointment and let's start talking about it. Then we can plan for a strategy on how to get rid of negative feelings like this.
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